I remember waking up one day in the middle of the night, i was around 5 or 6 years old at the time sitting at the corner of my bed confused and wondering asking myself, “What is a dad?, Who is that? Is it a thing, person, a creature. Tell me! What is a dad!!”
I wake up my mom and ask her “mommy what is a dad, if it exists can you tell me where to find it?”
(sigh) My mom hugs me and says “baby i’m your mom and dad. Your “daddy” left when you were one year old.
I was sad because the man that was my real “dad” who now rests in peace broke my heart before any boy could and before i even knew what love was and what it was to have feelings and emotions.
Well that was when i was 1. At age 7 my mom marries a man who i finally call dad. But, things started changing after a while, he wasn't the person i called “dad” anymore. On day 14 of September, 2014 he got incarcerated for stupid mistakes he cared more about than his own family. I gave up on ever calling a man dad. There was no such thing to me anymore because my dad wasn't like those other dads that my friends talked about.
On september 14, 2015 was his jail anniversary. I lost him because i won't ever get to see him maybe i don't want to visit him either in a place i'd never want to end up in. This made me believe that there is no man, no father like the one upstairs. A man on earth can find any reason, excuse or lies to stay away from you, leave your life and later make it seem like it’s your fault. It may or may not be the same for other girls but to me not having a father figure left me with no choice but to have trust issues. Any man can enter my life again and he’ll tell me it's sunny outside and i’ll still go outside and check if it's true. people say not everybody is the same but as much as i try to believe it i can't because “that’s other people's beliefs” i say.
But, let me tell you throughout the years i came to my senses and realized that it doesn't have to be this way. Dont depend on a man that is never there. Instead look at your mom who plays both roles, who's such a hard worker, a friend and does anything to provide for you. Look up to your older siblings who are here to support you. I have my siblings who are my world, my everything and that would give it all for me. My boyfriend who hasbeen there for me ever since i was 12 now 17 about to be 18 in 3 months and helped me look at things differently when things didn't go right. People who were actually were there for me since day one. Life doesn't always have what you want in it but it has what you need and if that father figure is not in it it’s for a reason. I don't have a father figure but i do have a heavenly father whose name is jesus christ. I don't need a dad when i got my family and as long as i got them that is all i need.
